A few years ago, I moved from a larger to a smaller flat with very little storage space. I threw away many things that had accumulated over the years. Still there were too many things in my new flat. I ended up living with removal boxes full of clothes, books and other stuff stacked in my entrance. They were all things I did not particularly love but I kept thinking that I got rid of so many things already, I can’t get rid of everything. Who knows if there might not be a war: I might need T-shirts. I might lose my job and never find another one ever again: at least this way I would have enough clothes until I am 80. Or I might win the lottery and end up living in a big house with plenty of space for all my things and then it would have been a waste getting rid of everything.
It seemed important at the time
One day, it must have been a Friday or a Saturday night, I was sitting on my couch with a glass of wine, looking at my bookshelves. I noticed the torn dustjacket of a large, heavy book on Asian ceramics. I had bought it in a beautiful mediaeval town where I had been sent to learn French one summer. When I bought it, I was with who I thought at the time would always be my best friend. At the time, the biggest problem I seemed to have had was to bulk up my suitcase with a large, heavy book on Asian ceramics, in French. Knowing about Asian ceramics in French might be a vital life skill for an art dealer specializing in Asian ceramics. I was studying economics.
Where did I buy that? Who was with me at the time? Why did I buy it?
Inspired by a second glass of wine, I moved from book to book on my bookshelf, writing down my thoughts randomly, as they came to my head: where I had bought each book, who was with me at the time, why I had bought it, why I had kept it. As I was writing, all these thoughts and emotions came pouring out of me that I had never thought about consciously. As I kept moving from book to book, I realized certain thought patterns and stories repeating themselves time and time again. I also realized the glaring discrepancies in some of the stories I tell myself and the actions I take. Instead of feeling bad about that though, I felt great. In fact, I felt so great that I repeated the exercise the next evening, and the evening after that.
Understanding why you bought it allows you to let go of it
Doing this, I started appreciating each of these books again. Funnily enough, writing about the context how each of these books came to me led me to be able to let go of a lot of them. It allowed me to see clearly which books were genuinely important to me, and which were books were not, or no longer. Being able to let go of books I was mentally done with for whatever reason did not just create space on my bookshelf, it also created space for new things inside me.
The stories we tell ourselves
The trick is this: As you write down your thoughts and feelings about some of the things you are surrounded by every day, you become aware of the stories you tell yourself. And you become aware of the fact that they are stories. And you become aware of the fact that if you can tell yourself one story, you might equally be able to tell yourself another story.
Stories can change in an instant
I am sure you have been in a situation where you realized that your perception of reality can turn on a dime. Perhaps you have a misunderstanding with your friend, they explain to you, no, no, that was not what they meant. You realize what they are saying makes sense, and all of a sudden the clouds part, sunshine breaks through and the world is alright again. As you write about the books on your bookshelf, you know perfectly well that much of what you tell yourself are stories, not facts. But if you get stuck, you are stressed, have not slept or eaten properly, fluffy toy dragons easily end up as many-headed monsters..
Give your stuff 30min to tell its story
If you find yourself in that situation, take 30 minutes to sit down, look at your bookshelf, your closet, your make-up-, jewellery- or shoe collection, or pick a box full of stuff you wanted to discard a long time ago but have never plucked up the courage to open. Look at each item, starting from the left or the right, top or bottom. It doesn’t really matter where you start but that you do it systematically. Don’t leave out any item in that bookshelf, closet, box, etc. Don’t just pick items you like or that you feel deserve being written about.
Start by asking yourself the following questions: Where did you buy the item? Who was with you when you bought it? Why did you buy it? How did it make you feel when you bought it? Did you ever use the item as intended? Why not? How does this make you feel?.
Observe, don’t judge
Just write, let it flow, don’t judge yourself, don’t go back to edit anything you wrote. You are just writing for your own eyes. You don’t need to show this to anyone, nobody will judge you for what you write here and how you write it. Nobody will give you marks on what you write. The purpose is not the result, the pages of scribbled text you might end up with. The purpose of the exercise is the process, the act of writing, letting your thoughts and emotions flow without judging. If you feel you don’t have 30 minutes to spare, start with ten minutes. If you don’t like writing, try speaking into the Dictaphone function of your phone instead or into an app that transcribes what you say into a word document. If you don’t like writing or speaking, try paining or singing.
What about stuff that’s not mine?
What if an item does not belong to you, you don’t know its story, how it came to be in your household? No matter. For example, if your partner brought it when you moved in and you never use it yourself, just write that. As you move through the items in a systematic way, starting anywhere, a story will emerge: For example, if three quarters of all the items on the shelf, in the closet, or in your household belong to your partner, you don’t know their story and don’t associate any emotions with them, that is a story in itself, a story that might tell you something about yourself and your relationship with the person they belong to.
Five times “why?”
If nothing comes to mind or your answers seem superficial and don’t tell you anything new about yourself, ask “why” of each answer you give yourself: e.g. Why did you buy this item? Because you thought it would make you smarter. Why would being smarter matter to you? Because only smart people count in your family. Why do you think only smart people count in your family? Etc. Usually within three to five “why” questions, you will start to give yourself answers that may surprise you, that help you uncover issues you may not have been aware of before, that you may have been too scared to acknowledge to yourself. If you don’t become aware of what is the real issue is, it is extremely unlikely that you will be able to do anything about it.
Un-stuck yourself.
Repeat this exercise at regular intervals or whenever you feel stuck. As you become aware of some of the stories you are telling yourself as stories, not facts, things will start falling into place. As you become aware of some of the stories you are telling yourself, you will be able to tell yourself alternative stories, stories that have the potential to change things in your life, stories that have the potential to put you on the path towards leading your best life. And before you think I am one of these Instagram-perfect people who seem to have achieved permanent nirvana: I repeat the exercise when I start feeling hopeless and stuck again myself as well. It has worked every time.
P.S. The French book on Asian Ceramics: Still loved, still on my shelf. Now actually read.